today is rainy and blah and its 10:30 and im in panera in destin waiting until i have to go to work at noon. so just be ready because i have a lot of time and am about to write way more than anyone is going to be interested in reading. so if nothing else this is just to help me to process and unload what has been on my heart and mind for the past week or so.
its interesting and convicting to me to think about christian terminology. so many times i just say "im a follower of the Lord" as if that is saying i am a christian. but there is a difference. to be a christian you have to believe in the gospel and trust the Lord with your heart. to follow the Lord means denying myself daily and choosing his will over my own. they go hand in hand, because if you believe and love the Lord then you should want to follow right? ugh thats just not always the case for me and i really wish it was. so many time, well pretty much all the time i choose my own plan and and am all around so selfish in that way. i want what i want and when i want it and am so unwilling to surrender my own desires. this can only be because i dont truly believe what the Lord has for me is so much more satisfying than anything i can pursue on my own. i want to trust the Lord with every area of my life and stop compartmentalizing him by only giving him control over certain areas of my life. im here at beach project away from everything and hearing incredible teachings every night and yet i wonder why i am still not abiding fully and while i am encouraged and joyful i still have dryness in my heart that i want to get rid of more than anything. being here, hearing teachings, listening to great worship, having a small group, and engaging in spiritual conversation is NOT ENOUGH. i am thirsty for the word. thirsty for time where is it just me and Him and i can be spiritually fed. i do not want my words or thoughts to be of myself. i want the Lord to speak through me and control my thoughts and just be completely spirit led and driven. i HAVE to be emptied. further and further. I WANT TO BE EMPTIED OF MY VAIN AND SELFISH SELF.
Lord thank you for pursuing me. thank you that while i was yet a sinner and while i am still a sinner and while i sin every day a million times you still want me and love me and pursue me. you still call me your daughter and you declared your love for me on the cross. you call me beautiful and you invest in my daily. you meet with me. you wait on me. you provide for me. you comfort me. you watch over me. you gave your son so that when you look at me you see not my transgressions but a pure and blameless child. you hold no grudge. your wrath will not be taken upon my life. your mercy for me is endless.
I forsake you every single day. nothing i do is deserving of your love. sin is embedded in every act i do and even what may appear an act of service or love, deceitful and selfish motives root it. Lord even my best works are like filthy rags. i am so unworthy and so undeserving of your love. i am so humbled that the all power God loves me. I can not fathom your love for me or why you choose to love such a sinner.
what i know is- i am so thankful.
i am so thankful for the freedom i have in you. so thankful i do not have to live in shame and guilt. so thankful for your forgiveness. thank you for your agape. love that i will never understand.
today is your day. break my heart so that you can have full control of it. open my eyes to everything you want to reveal to me. guide my steps so that i may follow you. captivate my thoughts so that i may dwell in your presence all day.
i love you so much Lord.
Soundtrack- Lover of my Soul by Kim Walker
"Wont you dance with me oh lover of my soul
Romance me oh Lover of my soul. "
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