Prone to wonderrrr ughh

Lord, i keep wondering why i am discontent. why i am not being satisfied. why i dont feel you like i love to and need to. why i am unmotivated. why my heart is not full. why i haven't had a passion to talk about you or experience you or pour you out on others all week. why i am LONELY. and you know what bothers me the most....? I am bothered that i i know exactly why i feel this way and am still sitting on my lazy ass and not chasing you wholeheartedly. thats what bothers me. Lord- things in my life are comfortable. incredible family. couldnt ask for better friends. a comfortable and cushioned life to say the least. i am so blessed. all day. everyday. so why the heck at night do i feel empty. why do i hate to be in an empty room- all alone. and why the heck do i feel as if the room is empty. why dont i feel you there with me. always. i am happy. outwardly. i have fun. but when everyone leaves i dont run to spend time with you. i go to bed. when i wake up- i dont crave you. sometimes i dont even think about you. what the hell is wrong with me. Lord i want to crave you. you are LIFE to me. i have been so self seeking lately. i want what you want. and i want to spend time with you so all these dadgum feelings will scoot on out of here. satan is not welcomed here. and i will not do his work. i will not be obedient to him. i will not give in to his flattery or schemes. Lord you are bigger. you are more powerful. captivate my heart. let my gaze not drift- even in the slightest. i cant afford it.

Lord you are...

real.

healer.

love.

mercy.

forgiveness.

joy.

provider.

comfort.

hope.

truth.

consistent.

compassion.

beauty.

blameless.

holy.

worthwhile.

the only thing good in this world.

the only thing worth my life.

the only thing worth living for.

the only thing that will EVER satisfy.

the only thing that will never let me down.

iv missed your truth. i want truth. i NEED truth. you are truth.

next on the agenda for tonight- TIME WITH YOU. i get kinda crazy without it. thanks for waiting on me. you are SO faithful.

"Less than Christ cannot satisfy. More than Christ can not be desired."

AMENNN

NOV 8

i don't want to spend time with the Lord for peoples approval or to gain credibility amongst believers. i want to want to spend time with the Lord. i want to crave it. hunger for it. thirst. i don't want to feel burdened by other believers and their expectations of me or a "christian check list". i want in my heart of hearts to desire the Lord and his word and from that allow my life to be an overflow of the love and joy i have soaked up. some days my sponge feels moist and squishy and it cant help but drip all over the place all day long. those are the days that i feel the spirit so active in my life and doing things in my heart. those are the days i feel as if the Lord really is using me. other days my sponge feels dry and crispy. like it could knock someone out if i hit them with it. those are the days i probably do want to hit someone with it. today is that kind of day. the type where i feel exasperated useless. i feel failure. i feel wasted. my time feels/is wasted. i mope around. i dont serve. i dont encourage. i dont overflow love. i splatter sin. today was about me. WAY TO MUCH OF ME. i feel like i splattered all over everyone. i was easily irritated, annoyed, frustrated. this is not of the Lord. this is not what abiding looks like.

Lord, draw me near to you. draw me closer and closer until my sponge is nice and squishy. i cant pour out from an empty cup. there is nothing to pour. fill me today as i spend time with you. thank you for your sweet word. what a blessing.

Fall, my favorite season.

today is such a gift. the sun is the perfect amount of warmth. the breeze is abundant but not overly s

o. the trees are an incredible mixture of yellow, red, and orange. the crunching of the leaves completes the sound of fall. there is no stick in the air(PraisetheLord). the air smells clean. the clouds let the sunshine leak down just the right amount but not in my eyes :) branches sway in the wind as if dancing unto the Lord. my spirit is lifted by an incredible message about the Lord and how dad-gum satisfying he is. worship music repeats itself over and over in my head. truths being permanently stained in my mind. ahh thank you, Jesus! Lunch with my sweet friends after church was such a treat. time with them always is. fellowship is such a blessing.

i love worship.

i love fall.

i love watching nature in fall worship.

i love the Lord.

i love the truths that david platt's sermons overflow with.

i love panera bagels. one cinnamon crunch and one blueberry.

i love laughing, hard.

my friends make me laugh hard :)

Grace... by my sweet sister, Kendall.

My sweet sister and roommate, Kendall, wrote her english paper on grace. I got to reading it this afternoon and was so uplifted by the truth in the words and the beauty of the writing. wanted to share some of it with yall. the entire paper is on her facebook if you get a chance to go read it...CLICK HERE

Grace, five small letters put together to scream mounds of meaning. Grace can be a beautiful dancer quietly and softly prancing around a stage. Grace can be a skater swiftly gliding across the ice as they cautiously watch their every move in hopes that they will not fall. Grace can be a king or queen enthroned with all their beautiful majesty. However, to define the greatest meaning of grace, you must have understanding beyond simple beauty. Grace is beautiful but on a much deeper level than what the plain eye can see. Grace is a free gift, being guilty no more, finding rest in Christ, and accepting His unconditional love and being empowered by His spirit.

Such a gift as grace must be received and accepted. As a believer and follower of Christ, it is often hard for me to accept His grace. I wish I had strength to step out of my comfort zone into the realm of places I am unfamiliar with and take a leap of faith for Christ, to be bold and daring knowing that He is with me. But the devil creeps his slimy way into my mind and spits lies at me telling me I am not good enough, telling me I can never win, he laughs at me while he reminds me of all the times I have tried before and failed. In times like this that’s when the Lord’s mighty voice of truth triumphs over Satan’s wretched lies and reminds me of his grace. He shouts forgiveness and I can then be confident that neither the present or the future, or any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus my Lord. Therefore, because of this unmatchable love, I can rest assured in Christ because of his deep passion for his children. So I can focus on Jesus and be refreshed, letting His grace fall like a waterfall—rushing, splashing, and rumbling over my world. I try to always keep a humbled heart when drinking from the spring of life. When I am being consumed by this unfailing grace, I am so blessed to be able to watch the renewing droplets glisten in the sunlight before they splash onto my face, my arms, and on to my whole body as it cleanses me.

love...

well this week has beeeen crazy. so much studying and so many art projects and not enough time with the Lord. i have felt so dry lately. I'm just so thankful that the Lord is SO faithful to love me even though i am SO faithful to neglect him. why do i think i can get through the day without him? i try again and again just to suck each day i am not dwelling in his presence. you would think i would eventually learn.. but NOPE. ughhh.

lately love has been on my mind.

all kinds of love.

the unconditional kind.

the giddy kind.

the good kind.

the hard kind.

the rare kind.

the shallow kind.

the fickle kind.

the pretend kind.

all the different types, and what each type of love really is. sometimes i feel like i know what love is but when i think about the way the Lord loves i then come to realize i don't even know if i can actually fathom love. or if i have ever truly experienced love outside the Lord. No one knows me like him and loves me all the more. No one. agape is the type of love i don't understand. i may never be able to fathom it or extend it to someone but i know that i am, personally, beyond thankful for it. and thankful God is God and i am not. i cant love the way the Lord loves but i can strive to every single day. i feel like that is my ultimate purpose. if i can extend love to the lonely, loveless, and unlovable then i will be doing a fraction of what Christ did for me and that is my calling.

Love is blind.

I want to love blindly and bright eyed.

actively and selflessly.

continuously and intentionally.

with perseverance and endurance.

with excitement and anxiety.

ahhh. this is the kind of love i crave to give and receive.

4:28am

well its 4:28am... i have a huge pen drawing due at 10am... and have to go to the DMV at 730am so at this point im not going to bed.

this is were i am on my drawing... still has a long way to go :(

so...
its been forever since i blogged. which drives me crazy because i dont even know where to pick up...

i turned 20 last week.
kendall made it such a special day. im so blessed to have such a sweet sister.

its weird being 20.

ha i feel like by now i should start having a better idea of what i am suppose to be doing with my life. ha i dont.

i know it wont be doing pen drawings though so we can X that one off the list.

maybe i will be in africa, or thailand, or australia, or new zealand, or japan, or israel, or europe. somewhere where they need Jesus. and somewhere where i can tell them all about Him. thats what i would love.
maybe il be on staff with CO- getting to reach out to college kids... and partnering with them on campus.
maybe il be a photographer, or an author, or a speaker, or a song writer.
maybe il practice law.
maybe il have my own business.
maybe il own a salon.

maybe non of these things are in store for me.

as long as i am glorifying the Lord, growing closer to Him, and furthering His kingdom... Il be content.

well not having a plan isnt all bad. at least im flexible?

i trust that the Lord will guide me and make my purpose so evident.

im sooo tired. over and out.

i know that feeling. Praise the Lord!

Lord,
I am so excited about you because you have saved me and raised me. when the waters closed in over me to take my life; the deep surrounded me; weeds were wrapped around my head at the roots of the mountains...yet you brought up my life from the pit, O Lord my God. When my life was fainting away, I remembered the Lord, and my prayer came to you! when i think about you, i light up. when i dwell on you, i am content. when i spend time with you, i feel full. when i talk about you, i cant stop.

I know what is feels like to feel dead.
I know what it feels like to feel wasted and used.
I know what it feels like to feel defeated.
I know what it feels like to feel desperate.
I know what it feels like to feel forgotten.
I know what it feels like to feel rejected.
I know what it feels like to feel empty.
I know what it feels like to feel alone.
I know what it feels like to feel betrayed.
I know what it feels like to feel broken.

I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE ALL OF THESE FEELINGS REMOVED BY A LOVE GREATER THAN LIFE.

I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO ALIVE.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE TREASURED.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO CONQUER.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE PROVIDED FOR.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE VALUED.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE PURSUED.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE WANTED.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE FULL.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE LOVED.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE LOOKED AFTER.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE HEALED.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE SATISFIED.

I am so passionate about You because i have experienced the evil of this world and of satan on such a personal and real level and seen you intervene in the most astonishing and powerful way. I have been saved and for that i will never stop worshiping. worshiping whole-heartily, every day, all day.

Thank you for Jonah Chapter 2.

"Salvation belongs to the Lord!"
- Jonah 2:9b

soundtrack: My Inheritance: Ronnie Freeman

"All that you hold in store, is ALL that i want, O Lord.
i will shout, i will sing... Jesus your my everything
your my treasure... my inheritance!
I am rich I am blessed... you are my inheritance
My name has been changed from sinner to saint... because of you.
you call me your own... heaven is my home... because of you."

Unfailing Joy.

Lord, YOU ALONE ARE SO SATISFYING.
i cant get enough. you are so good, loving you brings me so much joy. being loved by you brings me endless joy. i crave you. reveal yourself to me further. i want to know you. more. and more. in your will- i feel safe. as your child i feel powerful. you have poured out blessings on me that i deserve none whatsoever. you have healed me. you have spoken life into me. you give me reason to celebrate. you give me purpose. glorifying you is my only meaning. you are so exciting. your love, i DO NOT UNDERSTAND. i feel so alive today.

thank you Lord for this feeling, a feeling that can only be described as unfailing joy.

Soundtrack- Lead me- Sanctus Real.

I Am So Blessed.

My dad is the person i admire more than anyone.
He is the backbone of our family.
He works harder than anyone i know but still makes time to invest in each of our lives in very specific, intentional ways.
As he coached every sport i played growing up- to being at every art show i participated in, in high school- i have ALWAYS had his full support. He volunteered at our high school ministry- wanting to further invest in my life and all of my friends. No matter how busy he gets, there is ALWAYS time for his family and he makes sure of that. there has never been a day that i felt unloved, ever. he constantly encourages me and makes sure i know how beautiful he thinks i am. i feel so loved watching him daily sacrifice for our family and love on my mom. it makes me feel so safe. i know he would drop anything and everything for me if i ever needed anything, because he does already, all the time. he serves our family humbly and puts everyone he knows ahead of himself. whenever i have sinned against him he always handles it out of love instead of anger. the way he is just and fair shows the strength he leads with but his merciful and gentle heart is quick to forgive and comfort me. I know i can go to him about anything and no matter how badly i mess up, his love for me never changes. His heart breaks, when i go through trial and he does everything in his power to help pick me up. He speaks truth and wisdom into me and always leads by example more than by command. he is a picture of Christ in my life and constantly encourages and challenges me in my walk with the Lord. I have been beyond blessed to have a dad that is the perfect example of a loving father and husband, a servant, a diligent worker, and a disciple.

Thank you, Jesus, for my incredible father.

My Mom is a mystery.
I dont know anyone who gets more done in a day than her. Im not sure how on earth she does everything she does and still remains so joyful and spirit filled. She works all the time and still manages to keep our entire family and house in order. she invests in so many people and everyone that knows her loves and admires her. she is always taking care of everyone and serving in the little free time she does or doesnt have. she serves reguardless. she loves everyone and her heart breaks for the lost. she is always lit up with love and joy, it literally beams from her face. she is a light everywhere she goes and always makes time for anyone in need. she has more friends than i would know what to do with and stays active in each of their lives, genuinely caring for each and every person she comes into contact with. she doesnt waste time on vain and worldly things but constantly looks for ways to minister to others and further the kingdom. she encourages me daily and brings a smile to my face on even the worst of days. she is a constant reminder of what it looks like to be spirit filled and to pray continuously. i learn from her daily. i pray to have the compassion she has for other people and the passion she has for the Lord and life in general. In every way she is the Proverbs 31 woman and i pray that one day i will be a fraction of the wife and mother she is.


Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with such a inspirational and authentically beautiful mom.

Proverbs 31 10-31

10An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.

11The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.

12She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.

13She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.

14She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.


15She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.

16She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.

18She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.

19She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
diligent

20She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
compassionate, generous

21She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

23Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.

24She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
industrious


25Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.

26She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.


27She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
manages her home

28Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
praiseworthy

29"Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."

30Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

31Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.

Falling In Love.

Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance

Give me words
I'll misuse them
Obligations
I'll misplace them
'Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It's gotta be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
- Jason Gray

I know I have blogged lyrics lately but lately i have been really encouraged through worship.
Tomorrow I will really get this all updated. :)

Near to You.

he and I had something beautiful
but so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'cause I knew he'd never love me back

such pain as this
shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
still a little bit delirious

near to you, I am healing
but it's taking so long
'cause though he's gone
and you are wonderful
it's hard to move on
yet, I'm better near to you.

you and I have something different
and so much better than i could ever want
I'm battle scarred,
but you are working oh so hard
to get me back to who I used to be

he's disappearing, fading steadily
well, im completely yours now, thankfully
won't you continue drawing near to me

near to you, I am healing
but it's taking so long
'cause though he's gone
and you are wonderful
it's hard to move on
yet, I'm better near to you

I only know that
I am better where you are
I only know that
I am better where you are
I only know that I belong
where you are

near to you, I am healing
but it's taking so long
'cause though he's gone
and you are wonderful
it's hard to move on
yet, I'm better near to you

IM BETTER NEEDING YOU.

these are the lyrics to Near to You by A Fine Frenzy but i changed several of them to fit my own circumstances and to describe the active pursuit of the Lord in my life.

Faithfulness

i have been at montevallo for a full week now.
I already love it. Everything about it. The Lord knew what He was doing.
The people are friendly and inclusive. The cafe takes me back to high school
- WHICH I LOVE. The trees are gorgeous. I am surrounded by creation screaming
the glory of God. Its a constant reminder of his favor that He would create something so beautiful
appeasing. Inspiration is everywhere. People are lost and there is so much opportunity for ministry. People are
open-minded and there are so many opportunities for conversation. Art is straining but rewarding and interesting.

my art teacher said..."if you lose track of time... then your doing what your passionate about... and if you arnt using your God-given talents then your probably not doing what you were created to do."

Basically this campus is beautiful- the opportunities are endless- people need to be loved and i want to love them!- physically creating my thoughts and emotions through art is exciting- i am finding rest and peace in living in the Lord's will- and feel beyond blessed.

Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness.

Soundtrack- Near to you- a fine frenzy.

I am better needing you. I am better near to you, Lord.

Make a JOYFUL noise

Psalm 100

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all the earth!
Serve the Lord with gladness!
Come into his presence with singing!
Know that the Lord, he is God!
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him; bless his name!
For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever,
and his faithfulness to all generations.

LOVE THIS.

soundtrack: near to you. a fine frenzy.

Define Actively. I Will.

well. beach project was incredible. i can hardly wait for next summer. i would love to write paragraph after paragraph about every single thing i learned and love and took home from the experience- but the thought of it stresses me out in fear of leaving something out.

so here is the overview.

I was there 10 weeks.
Lived with 200 of the most amazing and enriching college students.
Got a job (ptl) at Juicy Couture.
had an interesting but important experience there.
Met a lot of people that NEED Jesus.
Learned a lot about myself.
Developed a heart for the lost.
Grew in ways that i didnt even know i needed growth.
Had so much sin in my heart revealed to me.
Was renewed, restored, and healed in so many ways.
Counted my millions of blessings.
Missed my family.
Thanked the Lord for choosing me.
Became excited instead of burdened about the call to live for the Lord.
Realized my NEED for Him and helplessness WITHOUT Him.
Came home with a new understanding of the gospel and what it means in my daily life.

Also a new love for my family. I have taken them for granted and taken advantage of them for 19 years now. i am blessed to have the most amazing family. so so blessed at that. i want to train myself to love them actively.

actively (adv) : Aggressively, vigorously, energetically, enthusiastically, dynamically, keenly, passionately.

It is my Privilege to be a part of this family and i want to contribute and serve and love as if i sincerely believe that.

i want to do a little tribute to each member of my family. - those will be coming sooner rather than later.

Soundtrack: perpetuum mobile. penguin cafe orchestra.

Wittness this.

So I started off as a freshman at Auburn University wanting to major in business so that I could maybe own some type of small boutique or salon…Then I found out cal 3 was involved so, of course, that called for a major(no pun intended) change. Ended up switching majors to apparel design because I would love to one day have a clothing line that allows for diversity, creativity, and color in our seemingly narrow minded culture. I think I would have really enjoyed it but then decided what I really want to do is photograph emotion and creativity. I want to capture the hearts and thoughts of individuals through photography. i want my pictures to tell the most beautiful and detailed stories. I want to be a witness and my photographs my testimony. Capturing moments that can never fully be reenacted. This is my passion.

So now im headed off to Montevallo to major in photography but this summer I have decided that I would like to major in political science also. I would like to go to law school. My thinking here is that I do not want something I love as much as photography to become a burden or chore. If I find I don’t like doing it as a job or photographing things I am uninterested in I would like to practice law and do photography just as my own personal outlet.

So finally, this is my plan. I am still unsure if it is the Lord’s so I am going to go into this with open hands and a moldable mind just in case he leads elsewhere. I’m excited about this upcoming season.

sound track- where i stood. missy higgins.

new blog :)

ps. i have a new blog that i share with my friend abby cunningham. its about simplistic beauty. check it out :)

i know what your thinking- i constantly fuss on here about how bad of a blogger i am and how frustrated i get when i go weeks without posting... and your right. but o well. of course im going to add another blog to the to-do list. its just what i do.

throughthebeholder.blogspot.com

rest, strength, and boldnesssss

For someone who feels as guilty as I do when I don’t blog- I sure don’t blog very much. But I want to. If weird because I have to force myself to sit down and do so but once I do and even once I at least start its all I can do to stop. I don’t know what to say about these past few weeks except im tired. This summer has been so great but its just been so long and I just have gotten to a point of longing to shut down, mentally and physically. The lord has been so faithful to pursue me continuously and for that I can’t even say I thankful I am. He has revealed more of his heart to me through circumstances and people so strategically placed in my life. My heart has been revived and my mind cleansed. i have been given a remarkable peace and an unfathomable joy. Praise the Lord. Lord, get me through these last few weeks. I want to finish strong. At juicy and at project. I want to soak up every minute of this last week- seeking you and your will diligently. I need strength and rest to keep me from shutting down completely. Thank you your faithfulness and thank you for continuing the work you started in me until completion.

On another note. I want a heart for the nations. Why is it that instead of extending my blessings and giving from what I have been so graciously given- I cling to them unwilling to give of what is not even mine. I want to break, Lord, for what breaks you and that is the lost. Instill in me a heart for the lost and a heart for the bringing of your kingdom. This week I pray for boldness.

Rest, strength, and boldness.

soundtrack- some man chomping on chips as loud as possible at panera.

so much love for SUCH a sinner.

today is rainy and blah and its 10:30 and im in panera in destin waiting until i have to go to work at noon. so just be ready because i have a lot of time and am about to write way more than anyone is going to be interested in reading. so if nothing else this is just to help me to process and unload what has been on my heart and mind for the past week or so.

its interesting and convicting to me to think about christian terminology. so many times i just say "im a follower of the Lord" as if that is saying i am a christian. but there is a difference. to be a christian you have to believe in the gospel and trust the Lord with your heart. to follow the Lord means denying myself daily and choosing his will over my own. they go hand in hand, because if you believe and love the Lord then you should want to follow right? ugh thats just not always the case for me and i really wish it was. so many time, well pretty much all the time i choose my own plan and and am all around so selfish in that way. i want what i want and when i want it and am so unwilling to surrender my own desires. this can only be because i dont truly believe what the Lord has for me is so much more satisfying than anything i can pursue on my own. i want to trust the Lord with every area of my life and stop compartmentalizing him by only giving him control over certain areas of my life. im here at beach project away from everything and hearing incredible teachings every night and yet i wonder why i am still not abiding fully and while i am encouraged and joyful i still have dryness in my heart that i want to get rid of more than anything. being here, hearing teachings, listening to great worship, having a small group, and engaging in spiritual conversation is NOT ENOUGH. i am thirsty for the word. thirsty for time where is it just me and Him and i can be spiritually fed. i do not want my words or thoughts to be of myself. i want the Lord to speak through me and control my thoughts and just be completely spirit led and driven. i HAVE to be emptied. further and further. I WANT TO BE EMPTIED OF MY VAIN AND SELFISH SELF.

Lord thank you for pursuing me. thank you that while i was yet a sinner and while i am still a sinner and while i sin every day a million times you still want me and love me and pursue me. you still call me your daughter and you declared your love for me on the cross. you call me beautiful and you invest in my daily. you meet with me. you wait on me. you provide for me. you comfort me. you watch over me. you gave your son so that when you look at me you see not my transgressions but a pure and blameless child. you hold no grudge. your wrath will not be taken upon my life. your mercy for me is endless.

I forsake you every single day. nothing i do is deserving of your love. sin is embedded in every act i do and even what may appear an act of service or love, deceitful and selfish motives root it. Lord even my best works are like filthy rags. i am so unworthy and so undeserving of your love. i am so humbled that the all power God loves me. I can not fathom your love for me or why you choose to love such a sinner.

what i know is- i am so thankful.
i am so thankful for the freedom i have in you. so thankful i do not have to live in shame and guilt. so thankful for your forgiveness. thank you for your agape. love that i will never understand.

today is your day. break my heart so that you can have full control of it. open my eyes to everything you want to reveal to me. guide my steps so that i may follow you. captivate my thoughts so that i may dwell in your presence all day.

i love you so much Lord.

Soundtrack- Lover of my Soul by Kim Walker

"Wont you dance with me oh lover of my soul
Romance me oh Lover of my soul. "

Break my Heart for what Breaks Yours.

ok so i am about to start week 4 here at beach project.
this summer has already flown by. its been so cool watching the Lord work soooo fast. I finally got a job. praise the Lord. i am working at Juicy and it is really funny. the job is pretty much opposite of my style and personality but i am just thankful to have a job. about 12 people still dont. i have met really cool people here and it makes me so excited about montevallo. the Lord has only continued to pursue my heart and i have been beyond encouraged. He really is so so faithful. i am excited about the fresh start i have at montevallo and the endless possibilities. i get a second start at college and at building a reputation and i get to start off being the girl the Lord calls me to be. i have learned a lot about sin lately and also about the importance of sharing my faith. we watched this video of this atheist that said he didnt believe in heaven or hell but if he did how much would he have to hate someone to not share with them. that was so convicting to me. i am always way to worried about what people think and i am to comfortable in my christian bubble to be worried by the lost. it is repulsive the selfishness in my heart. i want to have such a heart for the lost and be so burdened by what the Lord is burdened by.

we heard a great talk about sin and some of the things that really stuck out to me i want to share.

a sin is any act, any thought, desire, emotion, word, or deed- or absence of a deed that displeases God and deserves blame. Sin is our tendency to choose against God. Sin is failure to enjoy God.

SIN IS SELF CHOSEN SLAVERY.

We are either the Lords or we are fighting for the enemy.
When we choose against God in sin, we ally ourselves with satan.

Sin is insanity.

the good news is- when your sin is great, your savior can also be great.


i have more to add to this post but i am out of time. hopefully il get to update it soon.

June 4th- BEACH PROJECT

June 4th - ok there is no internet here at beach project so my goal to update my blog everyday is not going to work out… however I am going to blog on a wowrd document every day and when I do go get internet il post the blogs from that week all at once.
So far so good. We have been job hunting and have applied to about 40ish places. I think we may end up working at a barbeque place called Sonnys. I’m living with 3 other girls named, Courtney, Abby, and Reagan. Its so cool how the Lord works. All of us have similar testimonies and struggles and passions and interests so we get along great. We are all also in different stages of dealing with those struggles and in our walks with the Lord so its going to be so great getting to help each other and learn from each other and encourage each other.
Martin Luther said, “ You may as well quit reading and hearing the Word of God, and give it to the devil, if you do not desire to live according to it.”
This summer I want to learn to not just study the word of God but to live it out and truly make it a lifestyle. Being here I can already see growth in my heart but there is still part of me that is spiritually dead and numb. I am so ready to be fully captivated and so ready to stop seeking out worldly pleasures.
Lord, transform me into the woman you have created me to be. Pull me into your will and use me the way you desire. I surrender all. My comfort zone- Lord its yours! Take it and break me and mold me into who I am called to be. Thankkkkkk you for a new start and for this new season. You are so faithful. Thank you for this gorgeous day and how many possibilities to serve you and serve others there are. I WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM.
Oh Lord you’re beautiful, your face is all I see. Your grace abounds to me. –kim walker