tears- the good kind.

today i feel like a little kid lost in her imagination but the best part is that there is nothing imaginative about where my mind is right now- rather real and attainable.
i can no longer imagine the lack of passion and enthusiasm for life that non-believers have to resinate with day in and day out. the sad part is they fool themselves thinking they are passionate and enthused but i know without knowing your creator you cant really fully understand what those words even mean. I know because i had to be saved from the same state. such an absence of hope and purpose and the absolute darkness they dwell in makes me want a full blown war to destroy every remanence of satan so that the victory that is already the Lords can be had in every lost heart.  there is just a completely different lens that you get to view life out of when being risen from the dead into life. actual life. real life. and beautiful life. I get so emotional with just humble appreciation of this breathtaking perspective that was freely given to me absolutely undeservingly. For so long my heart has starved for something greater than this broken world and all it offers. I have sought out experiences and belongings only to be filled with an emptiness that consistently pains my heart and leaves my mind and emotions rattled and stormy. But He who promises has never let go of my sinfully rebellious heart. My eyes are swollen with tears... 
-the good kind- because the light that was seemingly at the end of the tunnel for so long is... here. I don't see darkness anymore. So where my eyes used to leak rain from the storm that brewed in my heart blurring the promise of sweet sunshine- now i still cry. My cries are not the painful rainy kind anymore- Simply my rejoicing heart that can not contain itself within my body. When I meditate on the Lord often i feel airy like any minute i will just float away. I can not myself even process fully my thoughts and emotions that absolutely race but in a slow motion time-is-standing-still kind of way. but what i have come to realize is that this is not some experience where i am becoming delusional and somewhat crazy as it often feels rather having rock poured beneath my feet so that i can stand. Becoming grounded and seeing a foundation being laid for my life does give me some sort of high. I think its because its a feeling and a place that i have no power in and of myself to reach. ever. sweet Jesus meets me right where i lay- discouraged and disgruntled. hopeless. and powerless. He not only alleviates the pain like a drug but heals the brokeness like only a savior can do. Sweet sweet surrender to an irresistible indescribable God who has truly saved me from myself. He has saved the day everyday so so many days ago and today i rejoice.

all the people in my life. blessings. blessings. blessings.

ok couple quick lil updates. fredrick died. heres a pic. he decided to die on christmas. not because he
starved though. must be natural causes. im no vet. moving on. on the upside henry is still kicking/swimming. whatever. i changed his water tonight. gotta hate when you spill fish water on your carpet... for the second time. kinda makes you wonder why you have a fish. all hassle. no love.

you know when you blog about a fish... you know not only do you need to get a hobby. you also clearly have no problems. thats what's been on my mind a lot lately. and that is something i want to really focus on in 2012. blessings. blessings. blessings.

i really want to leave negativity in 2011. 

thanksgiving project.

today i am thankful for all the rest i have gotten this week- but now its time to become proactive. 

i am also thankful for the opportunity to have gone to nationals conference and the truths i am still processing.

i am thankful for marsena and the time i got with her the past few days. talk about a joyful spirit. 

i also want to use this time to count tessa and catherine as the blessings in my life that they are. so much encouragement. having real-heart-friends like them is such a gift that i am beyond thankful for. 

today i am thankful for kendall and maryleslie being home from passion and what life and light they bring into the prater home. praise the lord for my sweet family. 

enlarge my heart, oh God!

i am not feeling artistic or poetic tonight. just had a few thoughts i wanted to share. 


i just got back from new years conference (nationals conference). talk about a loaded week. so many powerful speakers and messages but i think the main thing i am taking away with me is a verse that was shared from psalm 119:32 "I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart." this past summer when i was on beach project the verse that hit home the most that i also shared in another blog post was Phil. 2:14-16 "Do all things without grumbling or disputing, ¹⁵ that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, ¹⁶ holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain." Its interesting because the truth that hits me the hardest is the part saying i will obey your commandments WHEN you enlarge my heart and then in phil. when it says holding fast to the word of life...i did not run...or labor in vain. its interesting the way the Lord keeps highlighting that for me. my problem is that i think a lot of myself. I expect obedience and good deeds from myself and constantly fail and live in sin. the underlying issue is that i have not allowed the Lord to enlarge my heart and i have not held fast to the word of life. in and of my flesh i am so inadequate of any good. if there is anything thats been made clear in my life, it is that. 

endurance. he has it. i need it.

internets back. ptl.

: today i am thankful for finishing my christmas shopping.
: i am thankful for movie night with my family and how loving and fun my sweet family is.
: i am thankful for jane anne mathis and how incredibly refreshing she is.
: i am thankful for the Lords consistency and endurance in molding me.
: i am thankful for the fish food my mom picked up for me at walmart so that i dont have to feel like the worst pet owner ever every time i walk in my room. (for those whom it may concern...henry and fredrick- almost starved to death but they are healthy now)

endurance: noun : the fact or power of enduring a difficult process or situation without giving way.

i am a difficult situation. the process constantly occurring in me is demanding. i am so thankful that the lord always endures without giving way. i am thankful that he not only endures but finds joy in doing so.  my prayer now is that he would receive the glory due him. especially this christmas season.

lemons.

The Lord has really blessed me with such sweet friends and rich conversations with them lately. Each conversation i have had has been about dealing with similar struggles or anxieties and the ways we are seeing the Lord show up or what we foresee Him doing in our hearts and lives because of it.  Sometimes it just feels like I am the only one who isn't "happy-go-lucky" all the time or has struggles to get through and deal with.  I don't feel alone in them anymore. I am so thankful for that.

: im thankful for nancyjane today and how loving and uplifting of a friend she is. + finally getting to catch up with her.

: i am also thankful for kaitlin and getting to see high school friends tonight for her birthday!

: i am thankful for the truth that i have to keep preaching to myself and the fact that it IS truth.

: im thankful to not have control over my situation right now. in a frustrated, but thankful kind of way.

: im thankful that its only 11:30 and that i will be getting a full nights sleep tonight. ptl.

Peace in this season. In this life.

I used to love to blog. to write. to reflect and process. to share. I used to dream. I love to dream. Something struck me tonight and my thoughts and feelings changed. Completely. The Lord answers prayers. I will testify to that. Praise the Lord! i can hear. truths. and peace is here. tonight. no, not just tonight. forever.

I used to think peace was a feeling i felt when life was as "it should be".

Wrong. Peace is peace and peace is mine because of the gospel.

Because of the hope the gospel gives. Because of the promises the gospel offers.

even when you aren't where you thought you might be.

even when the season changes.

when there is loss of something or someone you value.

the saddest of situations.

when you are weary.

when you are broken hearted.

when a door closes.

PEACE is yours.

just as it is

when blessings overflow.

when your spirits are high and heart encouraged.

when yours and the Lords plan seem to match up perfectly.

when joy is consistent and love abundant.

Peace is peace regardless of a situation. the Lord gave peace when he gave his son. peace is constant because of His promises. The Lord promises peace to his children and we can be confident that he who began a good work in us will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Its a promise. Tonight, Im clinging to that promise. I have to. I get to.

Isaiah 54:10

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

feels so good to blog again. to feel inspired. to be filled with passion and excitement. to feel content. this season is going to be so different. hard in so many ways. so hard. but peace is here. and i have already learned so much and experienced so much just in the first full day of this new season. thank you Jesus. you really are so faithful.

all the fragile hearts.

you were used and disrespected.

your fragile heart never protected.

nows he's gone, leaving you lonely.

empty is the feeling you feel only.

broken hearts will never heal.

if we dont look to something real.

i dont know what to say.

consolation wont come one day.

i can feed you lies about it getting better.

but words of restoration i cant write in a letter.

i know you hurt iv been there too.

a feel good feeling wont do anything for you.

alcohol will numb it for the night.

but the next morning it wont feel right.

youll miss him more and he still wont call.

all the emotions turning much more raw.

you see no light, hope isnt there.

your yoke getting so heavy, to heavy to bear.

tears streaking your cheeks leaving stains unerased.

your eyes stay wet and your heart left unlaced.

your smile lacks joy, it no where to be found.

sulking in this state, the pain begins to mound.

Lord, capture her heart, show her yourself.

she knows not you as her answer and help.

i have nothing to give to her, nothing i can do.

you are everything. all good comes from you.

save her i pray. work out your way.

mend her heart that is nothing but lifeless.

breathe life, renewal, and every shade of brightness.

not my favorite poem by any means but thought i would share it anyways.

spiritual warfare and victory within.

failure and defeat

satan tries to beat

into my head each day

for my shortcomings surely i'll have to pay

he has convinced me, so lazy in my misery i lay

knowing it makes nothing okay

doing nothing right

way too tired now to fight

no expectations have i met

lies from satan i have let

fill my mind

truth in a day like this is so hard to find

spiritual warfare now rages

agitation fills my pages

and the ink so black it can not be erased.

too tired to deal with the trials with which I'm being faced

now right where satan wants me

weak and helpless he can see

my flesh lost this battle a while back

power in truth is what i really lack.

all of a sudden i can hear

and this music crystal clear

piercing every desperate ear

sounding loud and sounding near

the music so beautiful and pure

declaring of everything its cure

my problems diminish in this sound

something greater now i've found

and the lyrics counteracting my every fault

it rings of truth and grace, my soul it has bought

and the sweet sweet tune so appeasing i now forget

all the stress and frustration for which i wasn't meant

His voice captivating my heart over and over again

singing His love and declaring provision to mend

my broken life and all the mistakes i make

into power, love, and forgiveness i awake.

my eyes so enticed by His glory

to distracted to focus on my petty story

seeing no destruction and feeling no defeat

when He picks me up to sit in His seat

satan, you lose. its becoming a trend.

i am His daughter who he will always defend.

the most valuable mistress

Don't leave, my love, You beg and plead.

I run faster to the sin on which I feed.

Shamefully leaving early the next day,

Headed home to the loneliness that eats me away.

Wondering why pursuit remains Your passion.

You know unfaithfulness is my only fashion.

Now a week later I get a call.

His tale, I buy, knowing its tall.

He needs me now? Well it's two in the morning.

I go although You scream a warning.

Promising again to forever stay.

Renewing Your love each morning, all day.

Maybe he will change if I meet his demands.

You just wait so patiently, no one understands.

You call to me relentlessly, I wont surrender! Don't You see?

Your broken that I turn away, but still Your heart craves me.

I see him drift but I wont let go.

Giving him everything hoping to sew,

This relationship that used to be.

Knowing its strangling and suffocating me.

You see my heart and hate the pain,

But I don't choose You. I choose the rain.

You don't give up, You continue to wait.

I know I'm wrong but I still debate.

He continues to use me but wont commit.

I know its over. The fires now lit.

Inflaming me in this bottomless pit.

The storm is brewing and I don't feel fit,

to return to You though i feel You near.

You promise Your love to clear all fear.

Hurriedly drying every last tear.

You say my heart so loudly You hear,

And healing me You long to do.

After you've fought for me when I hated You.

You gave everything and want nothing from me,

but to see me live so fully and free.

I turned to You as a last resort,

But You picked me first to pursue and support.

Knowing I will never love you.

Forever unfaithful in all I do.

You declare me beautiful and see no fault.

In your arms I am forever sought.

I'm so valuable in Your eyes.

A daughter of the King, His greatest prize.

A mistress to sin my flesh will forever be,

But no sin you see when you look at me.

Grace is mine to live in victoriously.

I wrote this poem not about sexual sin but just to depict the addiction to sin I'm in. The way I choose sin over the Lord almost always and the way he loves me and craves to empower me regardless. He is so faithful to be faithful and I am so faithful to my flesh. He holds no record. Just loves me. The end.

love, love.

love i may never understand

its not sweet kisses and the holding of your hand.

its not disposable and its not meant to be trite.

its not something you say to to get your way in the night.

its not lust driven sex and feelings within.

its not self seeking and indulging in sin.

its not temporary or fleeting, something you can fall out of overnight.

its not the way we use it, taking it so light.

its not simple words used to bring two people together.

rather words that are so loaded they promise forever.

love endures it does not waver.

love isnt earned its given as a favor.

love is so much bigger than a feeling.

its characterized by a commitment and love is the sealing.

love is serving and dying to yourself each day.

love is an action not merely words you say.

love is patient, never failing, and kind.

love communicates the ultimate bind.

love always protects and love always hopes.

it ties two together with the thickest of ropes.

love is submissive and always abides.

love is given to us freely, Christ's beautiful brides.

love is a gift something so valuable.

coming together as one, individuals so malleable.

depicting the way Christ commits to the church

His love so faithful and unwilling to lurch.

sacrificial love we know not how to extend.

but its love worth working so hard to send.

this love Christ gives is new each day.

thank you Jesus for your sweet agape.

i love looking at the definition of some of these words to fully grasp the depths of their meaning...

trite: lacking in freshness

or effectiveness because of constant use or excessive repetition.

lust: a selfish craving, longing, or desire.

synonym- weakness

favor: something done or granted out of goodwill, rather than from justice; an undeserved kind act.

seal: anything that tightly or completely closes or secures a thing

abide: to endure, sustain, or withstand without yielding

malleable: impressionable, moldable, flexible

lurch: an act or instance of swaying abruptly

agape: sacrificial, and unconditional love

poetry.

without You i feel no good feeling.

with You i experience such abundant healing.

this world is filled so full with pain.

You in it is the only sane.

i wonder and run daily,

searching for something else.

You, Lord, cause everything to dim so palely.

Your wings are the only shelter i have found.

every worldly pleasure fleeting, You remain so sound.

seeking possession only causing recession,

the crumbling and stagnation of my heart.

every desirable thing in this world remains so stale so tart.

appeasing to the body but hastily rotting my gaudy mind.

restoration and recreation You extend to me so kind.

You, i know only a fraction, the mystery of mercy never ends.

the question of why i continue to pursue anything but You still pends.

You promise life and withhold no pleasure.

i know no craving that You wont satisfy.

why do i look as if theres anything else to treasure?

without You discontentment is all we can buy.

do never relent until my heart is bound so tightly to You.

until my eyes see no beauty apart from the work You do.

until my thoughts and desires are made completely new.

Rejoice

"But rejoice that your names are written in heaven."

Luke 10:20b

Rejoice: (v) to give joy, to feel joy or great delight, the character of giving praise about something or someone, gladden.

Our names are written in heaven :)

Revelation of Dec. 22

the Lord has blessed me with such an enriching night of truth and encouragement. i got to talking to several friends just about the desire that constantly stirs in me to experience something so different. so rare. something outside of the social and cultural norms. something that is raw to the extent that nothing the world or media has poured into us can taint this fresh and real feeling or understanding. whether you think about it or not the world and media have sculpted our minds into these machines that like and dislike very much of the same things. all types of connitations are inferred by pretty much every single person, place, or thing. we are even told what feelings and in what quantity are appropriate and at what time they are so. sit back. stop thinking. stop thinking what you are told to think. ask hard questions. get to the core. why. why. why. why. why. ask it over and over. everyone is searching frantically for something raw. something that the primer and the paint have been removed from. its truth. truth embedded throughout scripture that life flows so freely from. these words and feelings that i have been so hungry for. the freedom i blog about because there is a craving of such intensity. this freedom is the word. its the only truth we have. it is the only thing that has not been tainted by a world of pain. i constantly search for truth in people, in my own thoughts and feelings. but truth isnt there. it cant be entirely there apart from the word. apart from Christ. he is truth and without him there is no truth and therefore no reason to live. i cant even think about wanting to live without him. no joy? no thank you.

another thing i learned tonight is that it is important to establish what is truth and alter feelings around that. not the other way around. so many times i act based off of my feelings rather than truth and feelings are fickle and deceiving a lot of the time. we have control over feelings. more so than we might think. definitely more so than i thought. feelings dont dictate circumstances. circumstances evoke feeling and our response is a choice. satan tries to tell us that we are full time sinners and that we have no choice but to sin. the catch is that CHAINS ARE GONE. we are no longer captive to that identity. we become co-heirs. the church teaches powerless faith. we feel we constantly have to belittle ourselves. but we are not our own. we have taken on the identity of Christ. Chris craves to empower us.

gosh a lot of this is new to me because i constantly harp on all the sin in my life- but really that only leads me to continue to sin because i act like i have and only will experience defeat. victory is the Lord's. and victory is ours.

Romans 8:9-17

You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. ¹⁰ But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. ¹¹ And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

¹² Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. ¹³ For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

¹⁴ For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. ¹⁵ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba,Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. ¹⁷ Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Blogging.

its been a month almost since i last posted. mainly because i was really wrestling with the concept of blogging and figuring out if a lot of what i blog is appropriate to post online. the more that iv thought about it the more i am ok with it because i really just have no desire to impress anyone. to meet any expectations. to follow any rules. to have safe and fluffy thoughts. freedom in writing the depths of my thoughts and feelings and knowing that someone may read them gives me a sort of rush. having nothing held back is dangerous but holding everything back is more dangerous. i don't want to be a cookie cutter christian with a cookie cutter life and cookie cutter thoughts. authentic, genuine, passionate, explicit, and honest words are different. they intrigue me. they are exciting and fresh. insight into such a complex mind and heart that we all obtain fascinates me. i want to know people on this sort of level. and i don't care if people know me on this level also. its real. and in this world, its rare.